Nothing Left
by AtobeLover
Summary: Highly angsty. Ryoma loved Atobe too much, and Atobe couldn't bear it, he sacrificed Ryoma's love. Now Ryoma's moved on - and Atobe drowns in his agony.


**Author's note: This was written by me when I was really very depressed over some person. Then a month later I viewed this and thought it'd be so sad if Atobe wrote this for Ryoma... and ****voilà! Um, it's really very out-of-character for both Atobe and Ryoma, so I'm sorry. There are too many metaphors, but please, if you begin reading this read till the end and review because I would love to know how you felt. Oh, and in your review, feel free to tell me whether you cried or not, because I did. How lame...**

******This is dedicated to doroniasobi and Kurai Minoru because they wrote the most beautiful stories for me.**

******The song is my own. It's horrible. Please review anyway.

* * *

**

_I know you know that I_

_Felt like going away_

_That's because I wanted to die_

_I felt I was in your way_

_#_

_I cried for you and_

_I did all I could_

_A touch on my cheek, your hand,_

_Sacrifice the love in your eyes, I would_

The pain in your eyes is so hurting I can't do anything but turn around and walk away, even if it's to find refuge from the agony you press down on me. I hear your tears speak to me, ask me to return, but I can't, because I know if I turn back my eyes will confess everything.

I always have loved your smile. But now that I have gone, will I ever see it again? Will you smile your beautiful smile for someone else now that you know I was just a passing obstacle on your way to true love?

I see the way you try not to look at me, and my heartbeats only cause me intense pain as I realize I want you to come back – I want you to come home. But I can't. I have played this charade with you for too long, and I fear that if I try once more, all that I will find of your stunning smile will be broken, lifeless remains of a joy once touching the stars.

I love you. I cry these words into my pillow each night as my tears soak the cloth, staining it with the memory of your touch upon my hand, my cheek. And every morning the blemish is gone, leaving faint memories that renew heartbreakingly as the day goes by.

I seem to look like I must have forgotten the love we shared, but it is impossible for me to ever not think about the beautiful way in which you touched my hand, looked into my eyes and wiped away a stray tear.

Your voice beckons to me like a pure note on a flute, and I feel like I could jump into a well and drown in dark loneliness if I am secluded from your musical voice for even a moment.

It hurts when I look back into the past, into a time when you were all that ensnared my senses, made up my world. I used to forego all the pain you caused just so I could reach out to you, and love you.

My heart throbs once, twice, thrice, and every beat reminds me of the different memories we made.

Once. You smile at me and I cry out with want as your warm arms envelop me and comfort me in my time of pain.

Twice. You dismiss the tears on my cheek and make my mouth smile as you lightly touch each side of my face.

Thrice. The pain is too much to bear as I slice across the room, away from you, away from your touch as I fear I will sink deeply into your love. I cannot even look backwards at you.

You loved me so much; I was inferior compared to you. My screams of pain resonated only in my mind as I tried my level best to hide the ache that you unknowingly caused me with your love.

_Screams of anguish_

_Tearing at my hair_

_I feel the blemish_

_That stains my heart, once fair_

_#_

_I cut through the invincible paper_

_That separates me from_

_You, you're the escaper_

_Break me out with a bomb_

I scream and I cry and I yell for your love; but all this is contained within my precious shell. For I fear your hearing even one syllable because I know you would break down – and remove yourself from my pitiful existence.

I am stuck in a prison – I can't approach you… the distance that's now between us will only increase and cause me more regretful pain.

I spend my days alone… I have no nights – I can't sleep. I lie in bed, I love thinking about jumping off cliffs if only to end the sorrow I see every day in your eyes as you gaze at the back of my head and try not to cry as you recollect what happened between us.

Please, please – would you let me into your façade of happiness if I tore it down with my honest love? I look at the clock on my mantelpiece, and I know there are only a few minutes left until the time when you would usually call me and share your fears and tears, but I can't help hope in the seas of trepidation that I might hear the phone call out to me, telling me that you still love me and want to see my face so I would pick up.

The hour passes and I close my eyes in pain as I realize you have probably moved on and left me in the ruins of our relationship, and I bitterly realize the irony as it was me seeking to move on, me wanting to end it… and now it's me in the dust desiring you by my side, and you carving your own niche in the marble threads of the unforgiving universe.

I am turning into such a pathetic tragedy – I can't forget your disappointed face, it is etched into my very core and it hurts me so much when I see you smiling at your friends because I know it is all so false, I can see the broken fragments of your heart scattered throughout your quintessence.

Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. Just--please forgive me. I'm useless, I'm worthless. Please take me back.

I can't do anything nowadays. This is such a horrible way to live – I only submerge myself in the oceans of reminiscences and pass the hours like minutes… nothing has any meaning to me now. How can it? I left the only thing in my life which did mean something to me.

I love you. I am so sorry.

Please, take me back. Anything, a word, a look, a smile – anything to prevent me from going insane with guilt. Anything to remind me you are not drowning like me. I want to only see you happy – but I don't know, I won't know unless I get a sign. I caused you so much pain, and if I could, I would turn time back and never leave.

I am so selfish. I always get what I want, but it seems Fate is finally denying me the one thing I need to stay alive and sane. I don't want things which aren't a present from you. You are so charming; I am so overwhelmed by your lingering presence in my mind even if it has been a year since we last smiled at each other.

You are so magical – you and your beauty are mesmerizing to the extent I would flood the world with my tears if I saw even the slightest trace of that ugliness called pain on your beautiful face.

_An unoriginal rhapsody_

_I cry my eyes out in vain_

_The song my sobs sing is no melody_

_I fall to my knees and drown in the rain_

_#_

_My screams echo through the universe_

_My pain tries to make itself known_

_With torture and agony, my core is pierced_

_I am now the stranger, the one who walks alone_

It has been five years now. Either one of us can say at least five words to each other without breaking down. I feel my fake smiles disintegrate before your serious gaze and my healing heart tear itself again as you say the five words I wish I would never hear from anybody, anybody ever:

_I don't love you anymore._

You could have killed me, tortured me, ripped my heart out, caused me any pain to any extent you preferred (and I wouldn't have felt a pinch, because it was _you _who did it) – but you had to go and say the fatal blow to my fragile subsistence.

_I don't love you anymore._

That simply proves my worthlessness. You have clearly got over me, so much that you don't care about the vast amounts of mind-numbing, sense-shattering suffering that you place upon my heart – hasn't it borne more than enough already? Haven't I suffered enough? Apparently not.

I realize that I deserved that pain – but after that you kill my emotions relentlessly. I see you happy with someone else. My hands ache to snatch up a knife and carve your beautiful name into my skin, and I need to see the liquid ruby that flows down – the blood drops are the tears that my eyes simply can't cry.

_I don't love you anymore._

My heart is now nothing more than thousands of fragments of tiny pieces of red crystals that can never be stuck back together again.

_And as I watch my heart break_

_I set the slivers alight_

_I'm not asleep, but I'm not awake_

_All I can see is the flames burning bright_

_#_

_So I bitterly smile my acid grin_

_Knowing I've lost everything_

_All that remains is my life filled with sin_

_Nothing else... absolutely nothing

* * *

_**So this is it. Please review. Criticism is welcome, although flames can go burn cookies instead of being on the review page. Thank you.**


End file.
